The Brotherhood Survival Handbook
by Red Witch
Summary: What happens when the Brotherhood gets their hands on 'The Worst Case Survival Handbook? Big Trouble.


**A bear ate the disclaimer telling you that I do not own either the Brotherhood or the book "The Worst-Case Survival Handbook." I got this book for fun and I got this crazy idea. For the love of god please do not do these things at home. **

**The Brotherhood Survival Handbook**

Lance heard a strange noise as he came downstairs. He looked in the living room and dropped his jaw. There was Todd roaring like a bear. Well it was supposed to be a roar but it sounded more like a baby wildcat. Fred was lying down flat on the floor, not moving. Lance simply stood there watching as Todd pretended to sniff Fred. 

"What are those idiots doing?" Pietro asked as he came in.

"I have no idea," Lance said. "I'm just watching the show." 

Todd gave off a mini roar in his direction. "Toad knock it off!" Lance snapped. "What are you doing?"

"I'm a bear," Todd told him. 

"O-kay," Lance rolled his eyes. "We're back in the land of make-believe again I see."

"Actually we're doing something important," Fred sat up. "We're practicing how to defend ourselves from bear attacks." 

"Oh well that's a perfectly logical explanation," Pietro said. 

"Well I was the bear first," Fred said. "But then I made the mistake of sniffing Toad so I kinda passed out and…"

"Well that's one way to defend yourself against a bear," Lance groaned. "Okay, I'll bite. Why are you guys practicing for bear attacks? Is there something we should know?" 

"We got this book," Todd showed him. "It tells you all kinds of cool stuff!"

"The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook," Lance read the cover. "Well if there ever was a book the Brotherhood needed…" 

"Yeah it's great!" Todd hopped up and down. "It tells you what to do in emergencies and everything! Freddy and I thought we'd try some of this stuff out!"

"I gotta read this," Lance looked over the pages. "Killer bee attacks, mountain lion attacks, shark attacks…how to land a plane. Bobby sure could have used this book back at the mansion. This is pretty good stuff." 

"Let me see this," Pietro grabbed it away from Lance. "Hmm…Not bad."

"Hey!" Lance snapped. "I was reading that!"

"Hey this book's got everything!" Pietro said. "How to break into a car, how to win a sword fight, how to hot wire a car, how to take a punch!" 

"I know!" Fred said nodding his head. "Finally an educational book I can relate too!" 

"Yeah well it doesn't have everything in it," Lance pointed out. "Like how to survive a week with your insane housemates."

"Or what to do when mutants with adamantium claws attack," Todd snickered.

"Or crazy blue ladies go ballistic on you," Pietro said. 

"Or how to deal with laser burns," Lance smirked.

"Or what to do when there's no money in the house and you need to eat," Fred said.

"Or what to do when mutant powers run amok," Lance said. 

"Or how not to make a fool of yourself while trying to win a girl's heart," Pietro snickered. "Or keep Blob from eating everything in sight." 

"Oh yeah?" Fred blustered. "Or…or…or…"

"How to make witty comebacks?" Pietro raised an eyebrow.

"Well yeah," Fred scratched his head. 

"How about how to get Pietro away from a mirror for two minutes?" Todd snickered.

"Hey!" Pietro snapped. 

"Good one Toad!" Fred laughed. "Or how about how to keep Pietro from ranting about that loser Daniels?"

"Yeah that's good too!" Todd laughed.

"Watch it!" Pietro snapped. 

"Or how to deal with Quicksilver on caffeine," Lance laughed.

"How about how to treat a broken jaw?" Pietro snapped. 

"All right," Fred put himself between them. "Break it up you two!"

"Yeah," Lance said, backing down. "You know for once you two morons actually did something smart. A book like this is useful. Where did you get it? Swipe it from the store?"

"Nah," Todd shook his head. "I stole it from Blue-Boy's locker." 

"Hey let's try something else!" Fred said. 

"What should we try next?" Pietro looked at it. "How to jump from a building into a dumpster? Well Toad already knows that one…"

"Hey!" Todd snapped. 

"Oh here's a good one!" Pietro said. "How to hot wire a car."

"What are you gonna do?" Lance snickered. "Hot wire Summers' car? Pietro?" Pietro had run outside with the book. "Oh no, he's not gonna do what I think he's gonna do is he?" 

They went outside in time to see Pietro start the car up. "Get out of my jeep!" Lance snapped.

"Hey it works!" Pietro said. "Hey anybody want a ride?"

"Ooh! I do!" Todd bounded into the jeep with a single leap. 

"No you don't!" Lance stormed up to them. "Get out of that jeep or so help me…" 

That was when Fred had one of his better ideas. "Hey is that Kitty over there?" He pointed.

"Where?" Lance whirled around. He was distracted long enough for Fred to get in. 

"Bye Lance!" Pietro laughed as he drove off. 

"COME BACK WITH MY JEEP YOU LUNATICS!" Lance screamed after them. 

"Blob make a note," Pietro said. "How to distract Lance."

"I'll write that one in at the back," Fred scribbled it in. 

"Aw man that was classic yo!" Todd laughed. 

"Okay next lesson," Pietro took a quick glance at the book. "How to jump from a moving car." 

"I don't think we should do that one," Fred gulped.

"I'm up for it," Todd said. "What do we do first?" 

"First we pick a target," Pietro looked around. "There's one! Geek mobile ahead! Hang on!" 

Scott was simply driving back from the burger place with a load of meals for the gang back at the mansion. He didn't notice the jeep until…

"What the…?" He yelped as Todd bounced into the seat next to him.

"Hi Summers!" Todd waved. "How ya doing?" 

"Toad what are you doing you slimy little…" Scott shouted. 

"Hey I hate to eat and run," Todd shot out his tongue and gulped down one of the bags. "But I gotta get hopping! Toodles!" He grabbed the remaining burger bags and leapt back into the jeep. 

"Give me back my burgers you….!!!" Scott shouted. As the jeep pulled away. Todd hopped to the back seat of the jeep and spat out some slime, covering the car's windshield with his slime. "I can't see!" Scott shouted. The car careened to the edge of the road. "YOU JERKS!" Scott shouted, shooting out an eyebeam at them. It singed the side of the jeep, but caused no real damage. 

"Agggh!" Scott fumed as he hit the horn in fury. "I am gonna kill them!" 

The boys laughed as they scoffed down the burgled burgers. "That was so cool!" Fred laughed as he munched on a burger. "And tasty too!"

"Yeah but no Happy Meal toys yo," Todd pouted. "What a cheapskate!" 

"Let's try this," Pietro said. "How to perform a fast 180 degree turn with your car. First, put the car in reverse." He did so.

"Don't you think you should get the car off the highway first man?" Fred whined as they barely missed the cars passing them.

"Details, details," Pietro waved. "Jam on the gas and cut the wheel sharply…" 

"Ooohhhh," Todd started to turn greener than usual. "My stomach…"

"My life is flashing before my eyes!" Fred cried out. 

"YEEEEEHHAAAA!" Pietro shouted. 

Meanwhile Scott had just gotten his car back on the road and was wondering if he should go back to the burger place when Pietro whirled the jeep right in front of him. He barely missed colliding with the car by an inch. "WHAT?" Scott shouted.

"Hi there!" Pietro waved. "Long time no see!" 

"MAXIMOFF!" Scott screamed. "I oughta blast you right off the highway you lunatic!" He reached for his shades.

"Careful Shades," Pietro tutted. "Wouldn't want to use your powers in the open now would you? Bye!" They sped off past him. 

"Note to self," Scott muttered. "Kill Pietro…" He put his car in reverse and started chasing after them. 

"Ugh," Todd groaned. He looked back. "Hey Speedy! We got company, yo!"

"Oh so he wants a race huh?" Pietro grinned.

"Oh no," Fred held onto the seat for dear life. "We're gonna die aren't we Toad?"

"Yeah," Todd gulped as Pietro tore down the road. "It's been nice knowing you Freddy!"

"You're the best friend I ever had Toad!" Fred bawled. 

"Hang on guys!" Pietro laughed as they flew off the road into some underbrush. 

"Like we've got a choice?" Todd groaned. "Ow!" He shouted as some branches hit him. 

They drove onto a golf course. "Coming through!" Pietro laughed as they barreled through some very irate golfing parties. "Tally Ho!" 

"Something tells me that we've just lost our chance for any membership in this club!" Fred said. 

Meanwhile Principal Kelly was trying to take a swing. "FORE!" Pietro crowed as he nearly ran him over.

Kelly stood there shaking. "It couldn't have been them," He muttered, grabbing a flask from his golf bag and throwing it into the woods. "I'm starting to see them everywhere now!" 

"Hey yo I think we lost Shades now," Todd said after they drove off the golf course and into a wooded area. "Where are we?" 

"How should I know?" Pietro snapped. "I'm just the driver! Hey!" Suddenly the car lurched forward and started to slide. The next thing they knew, they were stuck in some mud. "Oh rats," Pietro grumbled. 

"I got a sinking feeling," Fred said.

"Uh Pietro," Todd gulped. "Does that book have anything about quicksand in it?"

"I think so," Pietro looked down and saw that the jeep was sinking deeper into the mud. "Oh…"

"Good," Todd sighed as the mud started to flow into the jeep. 

A few hours later a very muddy Jeep and muddy Brotherhood bunch made its way home. "Well here we are," Pietro drove back into the Brotherhood driveway. "Well we know this book works." They got out of the jeep. He flipped though it. "This is a very valuable book." 

"Does it have anything in there on how to survive an avalanche?" Todd gulped.

"Yeah why?" Pietro asked. 

A low rumble announced Lance's arrival. "MY JEEP!" Lance shouted. "YOU GUYS ARE SO DEAD!" 

"RUN!" Todd screamed as Lance chased them for the better part of the day. 


End file.
